December the 1st 2016. It’s a quiet day in the office and I get a message on facebook from my friend over in the USA saying that a woman claiming to be my sister has contacted her asking about me. Now my instant thought on all this was that this was a scammer and so I decided to play along as I was determined to catch this person out. So I got her details and sent the message. It took no time for her to get back to me and sure enough she started with the questions. But what she asked made little sense as it was things that anyone who knew me could answer. Things like:

when was I born?

where did I grow up?

am I adopted?

I answered them all politely but something in my mind was ringing an alarm bell. Something about this seemed like it wasn’t a scam but something else. Then the woman let out with “Oh my god I think I’m your sister!” - You can imagine the shock and surprise at this i’m sure. But also somehow it really didn’t seem that odd. She gave me her number and I called.

The voice on the phone was completely alien to me. Being Scottish myself you can imagine my surprise when I was greeted with an English accent! She confirmed my name, that is to say my real name when I was born. “James Barry Clark” As she uttered the words I had a flashback like you see on television shows of my adopted mother telling me this name. She sent copies of my birth certificate to me and the rest actually is a blur. As the days rolled on we talked and talked but somehow she was so familiar to me. This stranger, this person from nowhere. I knew her but I could not say how or why. From the 1st of december we have made a point to talk every day if only in passing. We shed tears and laughter as we got to know this other half of ourselves and the more I looked the more I saw myself looking back at me. In April of 2017 I flew to Bristol to go meet her for the first time. It felt like I was going home.

The final reveal

When I landed at the airport and Tracy came to meet me there was no huge outpouring of emotions, truth be known we’d already done that over the phone. This was really just confirmation that what we felt, the bond we had fed and grew between us was real and that nothing would break it ever again. Tracy and I spent the weekend I was down looking over court papers and going over the events that had shaped our lives. I was taken into care at 10 months old, Tracy being two years older could remember me and events that had happened to us. This was a gift I was spared as I was too young to remember anything. I felt like i was cheating her. I felt like I had let her down by not remembering her or anything about that time. She showed me pictures of our biological father and mother and I don’t know if there was a resemblance or if i just imagined it. I learned I was being violently shaken and my father “Billy” had openly screamed at my birth mother “Ella” that I was not his. Looking at our childhood pictures there was no argument about it. We were full blood siblings.

While we were only chatting on facebook I also learned that Ella met someone else and had two more children, naimly my half brother Garry and half sister Heather.

Why keep them and not me?

Why was I not good enough but they were?

The anger and hurt swelled within me and I could tell my sister felt the same but it had be different for her as she had lived with this for so long where I was just finding out about it. I found Ella was also on facebook and we got talking. It was strange, although there was no sign of a loving reunion like a Hollywood movie I also realised that she didn't need to be here for us. Indeed I have heard from so many other tracking their loved ones down only to be greeted with rejection. It’s hard to say what I even felt as emotions were all over the place.

As of writing this it has been six months and counting since I was found my sister Tracy. I have met my brother Gary and we talk on FB though he’s mainly busy with family and work and has little time to dedicate to meeting up but at least he’s still up for it. The first time we met up we could tell the other was looking for some sign of himself in the other. When we realised this we both laughed and it help to break the ice. I learned that both he and Heather had always known of me and Tracy and thought of us as the lucky ones as we got away.

This was something that would jar me. I never thought of this from another view point as I had until now only ever thought of this from my own selfish viewpoint. I now felt silly and embarrassed though I kept such feelings to myself.

Garry had a turbulent childhood when he was younger none of which i will go into here, before the meeting I had seen the award winning documentary he had filmed. This man before me was lucid, witty and had such a sparkle about him it’s like the documentary was an impersonator. He fought his way back and carved his own way on the world. I told him both Tracy and I were proud of him not for the films he makes or anything superficial like that but for the man he had become. I could see in his eyes and the look on his face that he was embarrassed about this and unsure on how to best react. But I felt it had to be said. Sitting before him I felt so inadequate almost like a fraud. I wanted to let him know had I known of him, of the struggles he had gone though I would have been by his side. I would have helped him and done something. But I could not find the words perhaps one day. My sister Heather was next to meet up with me. Such a delightful person I was so lifted by her. She shared some of her troubles and stories that I will not tell here. Again I found myself filled with feelings of inadequacy and regret that I was not around to help, protect her from this. I had a sorrow and regret that I was not around to protect or look after any of my siblings, Tracy included. Heather has since decided not to speak to me. I don’t know why or what I could do to change this but I must respect her wishes and just be here for when or if she comes around.

I also met up with my birth mother earlier in 2017 also. On the lead up to this I has so many questions and so many conflicting feelings. The anger I had held and that had fueled me for so long was still there in part but meeting my younger brother and hearing his story and his views on life had quenched most of it. My sister Tracy had also answered most of the questions that I had that needed answering. When I visited just reading the black and white court papers and the testimonies from medical people hit hard.

But like my brother said, I can’t go back and change things nor will it make it better so holding onto the past (especially one like mine) will only hurt and destroy any chance I have of a future. Both my sister and I are still in pain in many ways and now we have each other we can turn to the other when we need to. We understand what was have had done to us, and we alone understand the pain and damage that was inflicted. We won’t ever judge each other only love and support.

When I met Ella, my birth mother in Edinburgh I was nervous in a way I had not experienced before. When I first seen her I instantly seen something of myself in her especially the hair and eyes. She told me her part of my past, the hows and why were all difference but the outcome would be the same. She looked at me in disbelief and told me of how nervous she was and didn’t know what she was going to say to me. I told her we could only live in the present and nothing will change the past. She talked briefly about my half brothers and sisters, I got the impression she held back, not sure why I put it down to nerves and not wanting to give too much into all at once. All the while she talked I just kept thinking about her. This woman before me gave birth to me, she was also the one who was to look after me, to love me, to keep me safe. Yet she did not. I wanted to feel anger to not like her. All I saw was a woman who was filled with regret and wasn’t happy and was trying to live with what had been. No I could not bring myself to hate her. Or to like her. I tried to tell myself it was because she meant nothing to me, or that I was the better person. I think deep down inside I just didn’t have it in me to like or hate her. Truth is I was numb. I thought I had prepared for this moment but frankly i don’t think anything could. She had come into my life and as quickly as she had entered she left. I’ll keep in contact with her but I’m still fighting my feelings and still don’t know what if anything I still feel. I can’t deny I do have some kind of connection to her. And more to the point she’s willing to connect with me. In a message just last night/early morning (19/6/17) she signed off with “Love you” THIS really surprised me and made me realise that I have been given a chance to get to know the woman who gave birth to me. And I would be stupid to throw it away like a childish tantrum.

While I was with Tracy we went over the effects of adoption and what tracy and I went through. Seems we both have varying degrees of separation anxiety, this makes sense. I was pretty much left to my own devices growing up and passed from relative to family friend. It is unknown if I was abused by them but one can imagine. When I was put into care I was 10 months old but I was not actually adopted until I was 2 years old. When the I was in foster care with a family called the bathgates I was found to be “Mentally undeveloped” so by this I guess I was shoved in a corner of the room and forgotten about most of the time.

Everyone leaves and people move on. It’s the way of things and a simple fact of life. But if you add separation anxiety, into the mix then you have a whole different affair altogether. People moving on becomes an act of betrayal, another knife in the back that you have experienced your whole life one after the other. You become so bitter and suspicious of everyone you end up being utterly distrustful and lashing out at the wrong times. Such an example of this could be, I sent a txt to Tracy and got no answer. I sent another still no answer. After the third I decided she must have had enough of me and that she too like so many before her like my mother and father, had decided to ignore me because i just wasn’t worth it. The whole agony of rejection and loss fills my brain and my natural defence mechanism is to lash out. - But no she had simply fell asleep on the sofa, but in my state of mind I had jumped to an already painfully familiar conclusion. From time to time we both exhibit similar behavioural traits, fears and behaviors. But the one thing I know for sure is no matter what happens, whatever unfolds I know she will be there for me, and even now as I write this we have comforted each other and helped the other through some dark moments.

During this time to now some Clark family member did indeed come forward but for such a large family I feel little or no effort was ever made to welcome either Tracy or myself back to the family fold. Now perhaps I have unrealistic ideas of family? But if this was my family I would be making a point if showing them I cared and that they were welcome.

My father's brother Andrew and his wife Ruth friended me on Facebook but refused to talk or acknowledge anything I sent. So saddened by this I removed them both and just continued as normal. Then some time after I got another request and in a state of annoyance I sent the following message to him.

Another friend request?

You never interacted with me after the last one and I honestly don't know why.
I'm not my "father" neither me nor my sister are responsible for anything he did or said yet I feel like we're the ones being punished?
I never asked to be neglected, I never asked to be taken into care. And I most certainly never asked to be separated from my sister.
Think it over and once you have THEN get back to me if you're still interested.

I don’t know if I was out of line here, or if I struck a nerve. But they did indeed start talking to me since this and even gave me a copy of the family tree and introduced me to my cousin Ruth too. We’ve spoken a few times and she sounds so lovely and such a happy upbeat person. I did also get to meet her and she was so nice, warm and welcoming. And to think i’m genetically related to her? It makes me feel so happy.

So here we are in June at the time of writing this.It marks the turn of seven months since Tracy entered my life. I now thanks to Tracy, no longer feel rudderless and disconnected. I feel a sense of who I am and where I came from. I can’t repay her for the 16 years she spent looking for me. Nor will I ever be able to put into words how much she means to me and how much I love, or how proud I am of my big sister. Perhaps one day? Until then I will keep reminding her that her days of being alone are over. She has me by her side whatever life throws at her she will always have her baby brother by her side to love and protect her. I will always catch her when she falls, and I will re build her confidence and help her fly once more. This I promise no matter what the personal cost to myself.

Going forward

On sunday the 25th of June 2017 I met my birth mother for the second time. As i previously stated I have tried to release any resentment and turmoil connected to my life and be open to her as a person, and as my mother. No she did not raise me but i also have to face up to the fact that however it happened what ever actually happened she lost her two babies and had to live her life not knowing if we were alive or if we were alright. I took a trip to her house that is not too far from my own. Arriving at 14:00 I stayed till 16:35 and the whole time it felt like a normal trip to my mum. (Which mum?) I had decided to allow myself to get to know her and if she was willing call her mother. She will never replace my “Real” mum, that is the woman who adopted, raised, and provided for me all my life. But she is and always has been my mother.

Upon leaving her house i hugged and said “See you later mum” she staggered back momentarily and looked shocked at me. For a brief second I thought I had over stepped the mark and for a brief moment believed I recognized a look of disapproval. But I was mistaken. “Mum?” she enquired. To which I replied “Well….you gave birth to me, that makes you my mum yes?” She said “I am you mum, yes! Just sounds strange coming from you.” I smiled and have called her mum in messages. It feels good so far to connect like this. And I have even said i do want to get to know each other further.

Interesting how times move on, what was a massive issue one minuet is at best a minor incident at best the next. I Don't know how to explain it, but of late I have been getting to know my birth mother. Some weeks ago I went around to her house for coffee and chat. going in i felt something.

Was it empathy? or perhaps guilt? Honestly I don't know. But I did feel drawn to her I mean she's my birth mother after all and frankly after 40 plus years she owes me nothing and does not even neeed to show interest in me. But she's here non the less and I should nor pass up the oppertunity to at the verry least get to know her.

Leading up to the day of our meet up I had decided that calling her by her first name was just too much like hurling an insult, and after all she was at the end of it all still my mother. So the day arrived and she opened the door to her house. The house had featured on the documentary my brother Garry had made that I has watched only the night before. In it he had confronted my mother about their troubled past (off camera) and all kinds of thoughts raced through my head like:

• Is this what I'm going to end up like?
• Did she end up like this because of me and tracy being taken from her?

She opened the door with a smile and I greeted her with "Hello mum" But she didn't seem to hear it so I let it slide. I went in and she showed me to the living room. I met her husband who seemed like a really nice guy and she made coffee. From here two hours just flew past and I found myself forcing the effort to leave. I now find myself being drawn to her and we chat online every few days and I think I really do want her in my life. I'm under no ilusions that we will be a big happy family or we will have some kinf of fairy story ending. But she is my birth mother, she's where I came from and I do see so much of myself in her. My reactions, personality and its just so undeniable.

I was found by my sister after 40 years apart, little did I know what I had lying in store for me. In the process of trying to find our dad we looked for marriage or death certificates and we found a marriage certificates for him. We were also able to find out he had 2 children a boy called Andrew Clark, and a girl called Lesley Clark. The thought of having more brothers and sisters had honestly never occured to me, and my sister Tracy and I started looking for them. On Facebook we joined groups for Newcastle and asked around for any help. we even resorted to simply messaging people of the same names from that region in a frantic attempt to trace them.

Through all of this the same thoughts haunted me.

• Will they accept me?
• Will they even want to know the truth?
• Do they know about what kind of a man my father was?
• Do they need us to be there for them?

In the past I was unable to be there for my half sister Heather, or my half brother Gary mainly because I never knew they existed! Nor could I have been there for Tracy. I often reflect on this and how I failed them all, one day I will find a way to repay them, some how. But this was different, thid time I knew of them. But I still had the fear of them rejecting me, or simply not wanting me to be a part of their lives. This was someting that was out of my control, something I had no way of being able to see or could avoid. But I knew in my heart they were part of me, my own flesh and blood.

We had thought we'd gotten close so many times only to have our hopes dashed time and time again. We had a promising lead so I was out playing a gig with my band and the venue was nto mobile signal friendly. So when I got out I got a message from Tracy asking to talk! I quickly checked the Facebook profile of our suspected brother and found Tracy as a mutual friend!

I messaged him....told them I was Tracy's brother he replied he was our baby brother.

My brother?!?...

I can't describe how this felt. And my sister Lesley simply messagedt me with "..Hello big bro..." To say my heart skipped is an understatement. Both of them were so happy and accepting of us instantly. Both are amazing people so full of love and life, something I myself feel in short supply of at times. I promised them I'll always be there for them to come to, to comfort them and laugh with them.

12/0618 Update

I have gotten to know Andrew better including his wife, we have met up twice since and are now planning to go on our holiday's with them. Lesley does have her personal issues and we speak but not as much as I'd like. But part of all this is establishing bounderies and forging new relationships, so what will be will be.

I know writing this I am so lucky. Not many people in my or similar positions can say they are as lucky as I am.